Please bare with me..this is the first time I ever wrote out my testimony. My name is Samantha & I recently turned 21 years old. Age is nothing but a number when it comes to faith. My testimony is rather lengthy, but please take the time to read. If I can connect with anyone through my story, and show them hope for a new future, I know I have done what God has used me to do.

I want to start off with a brief background of my childhood. I believe your childhood is the most delicate part of your life because when your young and vulnerable, the events that occur and the things you were taught shape you into the adult you will become. I grew up in a non-Christian household. I had an older brother who I adored and looked up to. My parents were nurses who turned their careers into being porn stars full time after they got fired from their nursing careers for being involved in sexually explicit media. I was 5 years old when this happened, and it became a huge controversial story that was on all of the major news channels, radio broadcasts, and even popular magazines. My parents used the publicity to their advantage to promote their website and got thousands of subscribers who paid monthly to watch my mother have sex with my father, my mother having sex with other woman and random men that were hired none other than my father. There were so many people involved in their newfound “sex empire”. I caught on to what was going on around the age of 6 when I found the news story on a VHS they had hidden. I was afraid of getting in trouble that I knew their secret, so I kept my mouth shut, and allowed them to lie to me for years. I remember an instant barrier was formed between my parents and I, I didn’t trust them because they always lied to me about what they did.

They poured their whole selves into their job and it was rare that I had quality moments that seemed genuine. I felt in the way of what they really wanted, but they couldn’t get there because they still had two children to try and raise. I was confused and lonely. All of the other children at school weren’t allowed to be friends with me because I was labeled as a bad influence. I felt very sad that no one wanted to be my friend, and convinced myself I wasn’t good enough to be friends with. Soon money took over and they wanted more of everything. They were never satisfied. They became obsessed, and on the outside it all looked rather luxurious. We would go on family vacations and got the things we wanted. I began to act out to seek any attention I could get. I didn’t know that all I was looking for was love and it took me most of my life searching for that feeling.

As I grew older, so did my resentments and anger towards my parents. Why couldn’t I just have a normal mom and dad who were emotionally there for me? My mother has always been beautiful and thin, and I on the other hand was an awkward slightly chubby child. I remember how my mother was actually embarrassed that I was her daughter. They always told me to workout, I started dieting at age 8 and began my eating disorder at age 9. Food was my very first addiction, I needed to fill a void but not get fat. I loved it. I had control over something that was all mine.

Sooner or later my parents got in to deep with power and money and lost it all. They dug there whole into 3 mil in debt. They wanted a new start and moved me to Florida right before 8th grade. My brother was old enough and decided to stay in Arizona. I wanted to be popular and pretty, so I changed everything about myself and became obsessed with my image. I was taught that your image is what is most important, and will take you far.. it didn’t matter what was on the inside, you could cover it up with a slim tanned body, and a pretty face.

When we moved to Florida, I decided to rebel and I did it ultimately for attention. I would push my parents buttons all the time to just see what they would do, or if they really cared enough to stop me. The answer was no and I was in full control of my life. During my high school years, I met a guy who I fell in love with fast. I was always with him and never at home. My home was a disaster, my dad became a complete blob in my life who was always passed out drunk, and my mother turned to make money the best way she knew how.. through live sex on the computer. I couldn’t take the constant fighting between them and would run away to disappear to see if they noticed, and a few times they actually did.

At the age of 16, my high school sweetheart had graduated high school and enlisted in the Army. We decided we were going to get married as soon as we could. My parents agreed to sign papers only if I was 17 and had my high school diploma. I was so ready to leave them and be on my own so I dropped out of my public school during my junior year and enrolled into an accelerated school where you teach yourself at your own pace on the computer. I graduated 2nd in my class 1 year early. I was free and now I could do it ALL on my own.

We moved onto a military base in a new state where we knew no one. The first year of our marriage was great, it was fun, we struggled with money, but really had no big responsibilities. I was enrolled in college and graduated my course as an EMT right when I turned 18 and felt like I had the world in the palm of my hand. I had a bright future and nothing was going to stop me. A couple weeks after I graduated, my husband deployed to Afghanistan and I was to complete my Paramedic program to keep me busy.

He had only been gone for a week when I found out I was pregnant. My pregnancy interfered with the course so I decided to drop out. I was terrified and sobbed for 2 days thinking there’s no way I can live the life I want now. I am not ready for this. I was alone for my pregnancy and became super depressed. My husband came back from the war with major PTSD and our son was born 1 month later. Our marriage crumbled slowly but surely. We were both super depressed and miserable with our lives even though we had an amazing son. We turned to alcohol, and I would stay at home drinking away my reality everyday. My spouse became really abusive and I couldn’t see it, because it wasn’t physical, I was convinced I was a worthless piece of crap who failed miserably as a mother and a wife. I lost my identity, trying to change myself to please my husband.

My life took a drastic detour the night of my 19th birthday, when I made a deal with Satan. I decided to try Heroin for the first and only time while my babys father took care of our son so I could enjoy my high. I was hooked immediately. Our marriage continued to plumit south. After months of countless attempts to salvage our marriage through counseling, he ultimatly just gave up and didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, it was too much responsibility. We separated from each other when our son was 9 months old. Mason, my son, and I moved to yet another state to live with my aunt and uncle and their two almost-teenage boys who attended a Christian academy. They are the most functional family I’ve ever met! I wasn’t used to that at all. Here comes Samantha, the 19 year old divorcee-single mother-heroin addict!

I couldn’t understand how they could be so happy and full of life no matter how many lemons life handed them. Through all of my life thus far, I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve spoken of God. It just wasn’t something I cared to talk about, it didn’t apply to me. In fact, if I heard a good song on the radio and realized it was a Christian song, I changed the station without hesitation. I didn’t even want to watch the movie “Eat, Pray, Love” because the word “pray” was on the title. I was the furthest I could have possibly been from God. Anyone who tried pushing God on me, instantaneouy went on my “Avoid the Jesus Freaks” list. Its not that I didn’t believe, well let me correct myself, I didn’t want to believe because I just didn’t care enough to know the truth. I was in control of my life and I was going to do it my way. I told people, “I am only going to ever know God on my own terms. I have to want it, and right now I don’t need Him. He doesn’t have time for me anyway, with all these people in the world, he wouldn’t here my prayers, let alone answer them.”

I had this image in my head that there were only certain people who are meant to be Christian, they were perfectly faultless and lived a perfectly boring life. I knew I would be judged by others if I even tried the idea of Christianity because of the amount of darkness and evil I had on my side and in myself.

Within no time at all, I was a full blown Heroin junkie. At first it was such a fun rush, until it had complete control. I was a slave to a merciless beast whose main objective was to obliterate my existence into the deep pits of hell. Indeed, the enemy was prevailing. I had become a compulsive, uncontrollable, lying thief, desperate for my next fix. Feelings of major depression, hopelessness, and self-loathing were undeniably intensified thanks to my sidekick, the devil. I couldn’t laugh…nothing was funny. Nothing was happy. I despised being around people because I had to use every ounce of energy I had to force a smile and try not to get sick and throw up everywhere.

I’ll do my best in painting a picture for you to understand how entirely destroyed of a person I now was. In truth, I wasn’t even a person anymore. I was a walking corpse, a lifeless empty shell, hauling all of my self made gut-wrenching, agonizing, and debilitating burdens with every step I took. Guilt and shame consumed my soul for what I had to do to get my drugs. I knew without a doubt I was irretrievable, too lost to ever be saved. I was going to die to Heroin, and I had no choice other than to accept my fate as it was. I began feeling as though something terribly bad was going to happen at any moment and it crept over me like a massive dark stormy cloud hovering wherever I went and it wouldn’t let up…It just grew worse.

That’s when I earnestly tried to kick the dope, but couldn’t for the life of me remain clean for more than two days. It was pathetic. Any addict knows that you can only go so far until it all catches up with you. I had involved myself with quite a few fraud cases that were dropped. I am greatful for that everyday. Once the cat was out of the bag, my entire family found out I was using H and I was done for. The man who I used with had a lot of demons in him, but I didn’t believe in that kind of “spiritual realm” stuff at the time. I had many demons too.

On January 25th 2014, I became scared because the man I was with was on the phone telling me crazy stories of demonic creatures that he could see laughing and snarling at him. He warned me that the demons were attaching themselves onto me and I freaked out. I yelled “GET ON YOUR KNEEES AND PRAY!! Pray that we still have a chance to know God!!” Then I hungup. It was late in the night and I was alone in my aunts basement where I lived and I cried, no sobbed, to God, this was my ultimate last resort. It was the first prayer I had ever said in my life and it was simple.

“God if you really are real please show me. I need to feel you somehow. I don’t want this life anymore and I want to change. I want to be the best mother I can be and I can’t with my addiction! I don’t want to lie and steal and get away with it anymore. I want to be happy. Please help me. Come into my heart and my life! Please!! I cant do this anymore on my own.”

I begged and pleaded for something to happen, I needed something to grasp onto. Very suddenly I felt unexplainablely calm and the hyperventilating/crying stopped. A short moment later I experianced an overwhelming warm tingling sensation that traveled through my body, radiating from my scalp to the soles of my feet. I later found out that was the Holy Spirit coming to live in me. I had never known what peace felt like until that night. I had always felt lonely no matter who was around. I had always been an indecisive skeptic my whole life and yet, within minutes, I knew with no doubt that I wasn’t alone and everything was going to be alright. I went to rehab a week later. During the next year, I fought everyday to stay clean and was up and down with my faith. I went to church but that is all I knew how to do. I didn’t know how to live life without creating chaos.

I was a tornado, destroying everything and everyone in my path. I began to act the way I did before treatment and started on my slow but steady down-whirl spiral into a deeper hell than I could have ever imagined. I was living with my parents and worked a full time job while I paid my mother to babysit Mason while I worked. I was even paying bills again! I was doing what I needed to do as an adult.. Even got myself a vehicle of my own! Money was super tight at that time, not receiving any child support, I was desperate to make a quick buck. I’m always taking things to extremes. I began working at a strip club in order to buy necessity items like diapers and clothes. My server pay wasn’t cutting it. The first time I ever entered into a club of any sort was my first day on the job. I tried to stay sober and that lasted 1 day. I wasn’t a successful sober stripper seeing as I only made $6.00 my first day. Once my parents found out I was dancing, they packed up my stuff and kicked me out.

I was now homeless trying to survive in a drug infested city. I was not looking to God because I didn’t want him to interfere with me getting high. My brain had flipped a switch and I lost all of my morals. I slept with a lot of men and did what I had to do to make sure I had a place to sleep at night. I met a guy and we started using Crystal Meth and Heroin together. I was so broken and down on myself that I didn’t care that he would scream at me, spit in my face, beat me up and threaten my life on multiple occasions with a butcher knife. He provided me with a drug connection and a bed which gave me some sense of security. I put my life in danger every day. I wondered how I was still alive.

My dad was helpless, thinking he was going to have to bury his daughter at only 21 years old. He found a rehab center that was 1 year long and I could have my son there with me. It was faith based. I was reluctant but decided to go to change my life for myself so I could be a mother. The day before I left for treatment, I was thinking about just not going to rehab and blowing it off. I was driving on the interstate in Phoenix going 80 mph, with no seat belt and a bottle of vodka on my floor bored when I crashed into a wall after I nodded off from Heroin. It was a huge wake up call and I knew in my heart that God just saved my life..again. I almost hit another car and flipped but somehow I was able to drive away slowly with only some cuts and bruises. With no police involved. I had literally drove myself into a wall. I was ready to change.

Going to treatment at a faith based program was a total culture shock and I still knew nothing about God. I still never even opened a bible. The love that I felt when I got there changed my heart and after seeing these woman who were just like me be happy and whole, I wanted what they had and I fully submitted my life to Christ and asked him to forgive me for all of my sins and slowly learned to forgive myself and everyone in my life that I hadn’t forgiven. I had truly been set free. I never knew I could have a relationship with God and I started by praying everyday, and talking to God as a friend. Things changed and I was seeing miracles happening in my life.

I had my son with me and the bond we were createing together was a true act of God. I asked Him to show me how to be a mother and help me because I didn’t know how. He guided my steps. I had to really humble myself and wait for The Lord to do His work in my life. That was hard, because I can be so darn impatient. Through His grace and mercy I have been restored with my family. They saw a glow in me that I have never possessed before. I was alive. Before I went there, my whole family had to write me off completely. They couldn’t watch me kill myself.

After months of submerging myself in the Word of God and focusing on an intimate fellowship with my creator, I had become an new woman. My mind had been rewired and renewed. I was able to be set free from all the bondage that has kept me prisoner for too long. My heart is no longer searching for that missing piece. The answer to your misfortune my friend is Jesus Christ!! I am made to pour out the love that He has so freely given me because it is too overwhelming not too. I can’t hold it in! I want to tell everyone about Jesus and how amazing He is.

At first I didn’t believe I was worth sharing my testimony or being a light for other people who need God. I didn’t believe I could because I was and am still healing. But man, I prayed daily that He use me for His glory and bring people to Him through me. I learned to trust Him, I had to. I still mess up at times trying to do things in my power, and can feel when it’s not right. Over time I began finally obeying and gave my all. I learned that it is a process, and doesn’t happen over night. I have Only had a relationship with Christ for 6 months and my life has fully changed for good. I want more and more of the blessings He has for me.

I want anyone who is desperate and hopeless to know you are not alone. I grow more and more everyday as I ask the Holy Spirit to guide my steps and to help me speak the truth and bring life to dying hearts. I learned how powerful prayer is.. and pray daily for God to protect me from evil and temptation. At the age of 21 I have acquired so much knowledge and wisdom. I am grateful for the hell I have been through. I wouldn’t have found this new life if I hadn’t reached the end of myself. My life is now a crazy amazing beautiful journey, which I am beyond grateful for.

Please know that it is never too late and you are never too lost to be saved. God will always be there, he is right there waiting with open arms to catch you when you fall and will always give you a path to follow, but know it is ultimately up to you to make that choice. He will never leave you or turn His back on you, even when you turn yours on Him. He loves you unconditionally!!!
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Samantha from Minneapolis, MN