The Healing Power of Truth
Sometimes redemption comes through unwelcome packages that most of us would rather leave unopened. The package of suffering physical and emotional pain that is given to us through sickness, death, violence, disappointment and tragedy is always unwelcome. In the beginning, we deny and pretend and look for any and all escapes that might seem to be the way through the agony of loss. The loss of the way things used to be before the realization, the phone call, the text or the email.
This is what I know about redemption. Before you can receive it or even more importantly embrace it you must understand what it cost. Our Heavenly Father and His Son are not unacquainted with grief, assaults, rejection and even abandonment. His Son my Savior has felt everything that I have felt. He knows exactly how it feels to be seemly betrayed by God. We know this as He cried out “My God, My God why has thou forsaken me”. Yes, I have cried that out as well. I have felt abandoned, betrayed, and even felt duped into believing that I would be safe and protected. That our Holy God was some sort of magic genie and if I did my part, which included memorizing scripture, early morning prayer, tithing and if I died to myself then I would be spared the difficulties this life had to offer.
One of the unwelcome packages that came to me was in the form of PTSD. I attended a funeral then suddenly the glue that held me together all those years started to fail me. My successes could not keep me from remembering that night that almost ended my life. My life, the life of a 7-year-old girl who only wanted to watch a bonfire and roast marshmallows would forever be changed. That night my rapist dragged me into a shed, he choked the life from me and I left my body. I watched from the ceiling accompanied by my Guardian Angel in silence and in peace as he assaulted my body and my soul. After the rapist finished he left me for dead and then through some miracle I went back into my body. I ran from the shed into the woods. I ran through the woods hiding behind the trees trying to make my way to the cottage where we were staying. The rapist returned to the shed and found that I was missing. He hunted for me in the woods, yelling, cussing declaring his murderous intent. Somehow by the grace of God I made it back to the cottage. I survived but nothing would ever be the same. As the memories returned the wheels came off my cart and I had to face the painful truth that I had been raped in shack, a shed while a huge bonfire burned.
The memories did not come all at once although I wanted them to. I even considered going to a hypnotist to get every memory out on the table so they would stop crawling out of my soul at the most inopportune times. But I did not, I waited and slowly all was revealed that needed to be so I could begin to heal and find redemption in the midst of immense suffering. I worked with a counselor who held sacred space for the truth to come forward and over time it did. You see I always had memory on both sides of the event but the middle had been missing for some 25 years. I was shaken to the core everything I had believed in and everything I had become even my very identity had to be questioned.
It all sounds nice and neat and tidy here and it was anything but that it was a fight, a battle of epic proportions. Daily life was unbearable and I wanted to die. I wanted to be free from the haunting memories that were tearing apart my soul. It was sleepless nights pacing the floor begging to be delivered from the horror that had become my life. It was sheer agony. Multiple times I almost took my own life.
People ask me, how did you recover and I tell them there is no magic formula. It is about understanding that I am Gods daughter and that He promised to care for me. I remember reading in Job 5:8-11 “But as for me I would seek God, and I would place my cause before God; who does great and unsearchable things, Wonders without number. He gives rain on the earth and sends water on the fields. So that He sets on high those who are lowly, and those who mourn are lifted to safety. Then there was Job 5:18 “For He inflicts pain, and gives relief; He wounds but He also binds up.” I had no choice but to try to trust Him with my life and my healing. Honestly, for me there was no way around it there was only through it. The truth was the only way to find my healing.
To thrive in this life to grow and become more loving, forgiving, kind and compassionate we must trust that we will be given the grace to handle the unexpected, unwanted packages that show up in our lives. Psalm 139 says; “Behold Oh Lord before there is a word on my tongue thou dost know it all” The most important lesson I learned was to be honest with God. I accused God of abandoning me and of betraying me. He had the power to make it all go away and he didn’t. I wanted a miraculous deliverance and He had decided that He would walk me through the valley of the shadow of death. He had decided that I would become a voice for those of us who have to fight, plead and beg for our freedom and our healing. It was in my honesty with Him that I found out He loves the truth. He isn’t offended by my questions or my doubt or fears or even my anger. He is never closer than when we pour out the truth of our hearts to Him.
On some level I will always be recovering but it was both truth and forgiveness that helped me heal. The truth is a light that only you can shine on your stories. The unwelcome packages that have been delivered to you in this life are the ones that may need to be opened. If an unwelcome package shows up in your life, then trust God to guide you as a mother that tenderly cares for her children. Remember your freedom will come to you through the portal created by the forgiveness you give and the forgiveness you receive.
Everyone has a story and our God is a loving redeemer, He is slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness. Will you begin to tell God the truth and stop pretending? Will you surrender your life to the Great Redeemer and allow Him to bind up your broken heart? Will you enter into an honest, authentic relationship Him? He waits for you with open arms and pure faithful love.