“Looking back 24 years ago, I wish we would have had an idea of the benefits of conflict.”
Focus on the Family’s Dr. Greg Smalley and his wife Erin counsel married couples on a regular basis around the world through radio, writing, and speaking. One of the key lessons for a couple to grasp before they move into marriage is the fact that conflict can be a good and necessary thing for your relationship.
Erin constantly hears couples telling her, “We never fight. We never have disagreements.” She urges caution for those with that mindset – a lack of disagreement often means a shallow, inauthentic relationship.
“They believe this is a sign that their relationship is super healthy… You’re going to have differences of opinions. It’s just inevitable.”
Having the mindset that this is beneficial to us as individuals, to our relationship, and you’re going to learn a lot about the marriage relationship changes the whole backdrop of it and it gives it a purpose.
Many people wrestle with fear because of past hurts in relationships – they see a potential disagreement and side-step it rather than address the problem. Erin says this is the wrong approach.
“Healthy conflict doesn’t have to be painful… it might hurt when you are hearing what your spouse perceives, or his experience, but James 1:2 says when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity! Having that verse alone in the forefront of your mind when you’re having a disagreement… that could change everything.”
What is the different between conflict and combat?
In combat:
• Withdrawal
• Belittling of your spouse
• Rage
• Talking over your spouse
• Developing negative views of your spouse
In conflict:
• Difference of opinion
• Safety
• Careful words
• An effort to listen
Greg says he used to be afraid of conflict. 24 years later, he and Erin have learned how to “fight well” and reconcile afterward.
“Some of the greatest lessons I ever learned about our marriage, about Erin, about myself, all happened in the midst of conflict. If you can learn how to get your heart back open in the in the midst of conflict, you can actually benefit from this thing that you’re so afraid of.”
Key Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Featured Songs: It’s Christmas by Mandisa; What Christmas Means to Me by Danny Gokey; Give Me Jesus by Danny Gokey
