NO, NOT THY WILL BE DONE!
Marie Palecek
The sun rose gingerly, concealing the perfect storm waiting to pounce upon Sarah’s big 3-0 birthday. Sharing the date Mother’s Day added another dark cloud to the merciless storm raising within. Married eight years, endured a triathlon infertility tests yet stick people pictures never decorated her kitchen. No special skills required to navigate Cheerios and Legos as the hole in her heart ripped a bit more. “Suck it up,” she cautioned herself while brushing her teeth, “We’ll get through this. We always do.” Her optimism was short-lived. The emotional PMS roller coaster confirmed another month of failure.
Her sister’s ring tone was hopeful and Sami’s cheerful out-of-tune rendition of “Happy Birthday” generated a slight smile, making it easier to choke down the familiar lump of jealousy as Sami shared the latest antics of parenting three kids. Courageously Sarah fought to control tears demanding acknowledgment. “You are so lucky,” Sami innocently announced. “I wish I was smart like you and raised dogs instead of kids! At least they appreciate you.” Without warning the storm cloud burst, hurling years of pain and frustration in torrents upon her unsuspecting sister. Obviously honestly isn’t the best policy, Guilt whispered, verifying she had reached a new level of failure. Stunned, Sami simply said, “Sorry. Bye.” Sarah hung her head, justified her outburst. “Well she should know by now how much that hurts,” Bewildered, with slow wagging tails, Lady and Gus rallied to protect Sarah from this unseen enemy as tears saturated with guilt, pain, anger, emptiness, loss and helplessness drained her heart.
Abruptly, her anger pivoted. “Why, Lord, why?” Sarah demanded, “Why did you fill me with this desire for children? You know it will never become a reality? That is a cruel thing for a loving God to do. You would be appalled if I pulled a stunt like that! Psalms 37:26 declares, ‘Children are a blessing;’ a ‘reward from the Lord,’” boasts Psalm 127:3-5. ‘The Lord hears the cry of the righteous.” (Psalms 34:17) Is my righteousness is not righteous enough for you? I attend church each week and put my hard-earned money in the collection. I go to Bible Study! I am faithful to my husband. I don’t lie, cheat and steal – at least not like most people. And yet your ear is deaf to me! We promised ‘til death do us part.’ Does that include our dreams? Because this dream has died and I am not sure I can keep that vow.” Sarah’s prayer was honest, heartful and defiant. But the Lord heard.
Obediently, Sarah took out her Bible Study workbook for Monday evening. “Gosh, one more thing that has to get done today,” she sighed, “Hope this doesn’t take too long.” By Monday evening her mood had improved especially after apologizing to Sami. Monday’s Bible Study helped put things in perspective. Sarah and her husband looked forward to being with Christian friends as much as the dessert that following closing prayer. “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.” Sarah’s heart caught in her throat. Words no longer flowed from her mouth as she sat stunned at what was whispered in her heart. “Pray those four words.” Her mind raced, “What four words?” “Thy will be done. Pray those four words over your infertility.” Fear engulfed her. She thought everyone must have heard too – but they were laughing as they passed dessert. Sarah could not move nor speak, but her heart shouted, “NO! Never! I don’t care about your stupid will, God! Are you crazy? I can’t! I won’t! Ask me to about anything else – but not THIS!” Honest, heartful and resistant. And the Lord heard.
“Clean up this mess, young lady, then we will talk about if you will join us for dinner tonight.” Sarah’s Dad walked away, leaving the decision to her. Of course, he expected obedience, but he also knew his strong-willed daughter. Regardless of how much Sarah adored her Dad, obedience for obedience’s sake was a familiar battleground. Of course, she cleaned her room. She shoved everything under the bed. Of course, her father knew – Sarah’s obedience was always on her terms
These four simple words her heavenly Father asked her to pray would require more than obedience. “Lord,” Sarah prayed into the night, “help me. I want to pray those words. But I can’t. At least I can’t right now. Please help me to be able to pray ‘Thy will be done’ over our infertility. I love you, but that is not enough. Please give me a heart that can love and trust you enough. Help me, Lord, this is too hard for me.” Honest, heartful, compliant. And the Lord heard.
Sarah endured more months of dashed hopes; monthly evidence that God had not answered her prayers for a child. However, she faithfully prayed to be able to pray four simple, yet impossible, words. She felt a nudge to volunteer in Children’s Ministries at church while sheltering herself from babies and toddlers. Surprisingly, working with fifth graders was gratifying and fun. One day unexpectedly, she heard Jesus’ words coming from her mouth when another frustrated mother commented how lucky she was not having to deal with kids. “Father forgive her. She knows not how much that hurts.” Sarah started craving daily time in the Word. Eventually she was able to honestly, obediently pray “Thy will be done, Lord.” God heard and answered her prayer by created in her a new heart, by giving her a fresh purpose, by strengthened her strong-will. He filled her heart with His joy and a desire to know Him. Sarah learned to trust in the Lord but never gave up her dream. Ten years later, His answer was a baby boy.
Psalm 34:4-5 NIV
I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.