I lay in bed at night, curled in a ball, with tears streaming down my face. I clutch my cling cross and cry out the only prayer I have left in me: “Jesus save me!”

I am physically and emotionally exhausted from all of the doctors’ appointments, pain, sickness, tests, procedures, side effects—from an elusive illness that is unseen by the world. My blessing and curse are one in the same—I look healthy on the outside. I’ve lost track of the exact number, but know for sure in the past five years I’ve had at least: three surgeries, 10 major medical procedures, 100s of doctors appointments, therapy appointments, holistic treatments; medications, supplements, strict diets, Biblical hands-on healing, etc. The medical bills could stack to the ceiling and the time lost with my children is irreplaceable.

Even though I’m surrounded by amazing love that my Abba has provided—through dear family and friends–I feel so alone and afraid. Very few understand what I’m going through or how to support me. I pray and believe for a miracle by Him who knit me together. I wait for the Great Physician to touch me. The waiting is so hard as the years tick by. I often think of Job who said “Yet will I trust in Him,” (Job 13:15). My mind wanders to Joseph who spent seven years in prison—where God used his pain for good. I pray for faith like him and trust that this season of drought will be used for His glory—that my pain won’t be wasted. And, that what Satan intended for evil, God will use for good.

I yearn for heaven—to climb up into Jesus’ lap and have him engulf me in His powerful arms and wipe every last tear from my eyes—and hear: “Well done good and faithful servant.” I visualize this and feel His warmth and comfort. I sometimes wonder if that’s part of my role in His plan—I pray fervently for His coming and look to the sky in anticipation and hope. Maybe I’m a prayer warrior for His second coming, as Anna the prophetess was for His first messianic entry.

I am walking through the valley, one step, one breath and one prayer at a time. I wake up each morning wondering how I can muster the strength to make it through another day. But, I know with all of my heart that the Lord is still with me; that I can’t give up because I have three precious children and a husband who need me; and that God’s not finished with me yet.

So each morning, I grab my gratitude journal, colored pens, devotional and Bible. I start with journaling–praising the Lord for the big and small: for my husband’s arms around me and his loving prayers; my daughter’s sweet notes of encouragement & the giggle fest we had; my two sons’ passion for music and their nightly jam sessions on the guitar and drums; the strength He’s given me to homeschool; Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, forgiveness of sins and the assurance of salvation.

Then, I move to my devotional time where I get coaching from Christian authors and from Christ through Bible reading. I put on the full armor of God—and fight in prayer for our country, my family, friends, those in need, and my own needs–I repent for my sins. I do battle from my bedroom.

By God’s grace, I experience a miracle each morning—the ability to get out of bed and face another day. I pray that my face is radiant with the Lord’s love flowing through me—for all who I encounter each day. And, while I often feel embattled by fear—I choose to release it through prayer and loved ones who help me—moment by moment.

I want to be well because I have a heart’s desire to serve the Lord and His people. I have dreams of going on mission trips again; writing books; speaking to encourage others; using my psychotherapy skills to help those in crisis; volunteering again at our church with the teens; having a retreat center for those who need healing and respite; volunteering in Guatemala, where my daughter was born–to give back to a beautiful country that gave me so much. I made a dream book and give these to God.

For the moment, I can’t commit to big things—so I serve Him in the ways I can:
*Starting a free blog called Beauty In Brokenness—encouragement for the suffering.
*Staying home with my children to teach, love, discipline and serve.
*Providing a loving environment for my hubby.
*Serving at Feed My Starving Children
*Sharing our cabin with youth groups, families and friends.
*Praying, sending encouraging notes, dropping meals & sending care packages to suffering people.
*Serving a dear friend with cancer by: making meals, cleaning, playing with her kids, feeding; reading her the Good News; anointing her head with oil and praying; helping her write goodbye letters to her loved ones; playing the song “I Can Only Imagine,” & walking her home to Jesus.
*Being obedient as the spirit prompts me—my husband and I were flying home and sat next to a grandma. She was going to be with her granddaughter, who would be having brain surgery. She asked us to keep her in our prayers. I felt prompted to pray right then, so we asked her if we could; she said yes. We all held hands—strangers, yet brothers and sisters in Christ, and prayed for miraculous healing.

I praise God for using me–broken, yet beautiful.

I seek the Lord daily; knowing He hears me; I pray He delivers me from my fears—and while His answers aren’t the exact ones I want right now—perhaps they are the ones I need. Because of my suffering, I feel I may be able to radiate His love with compassion in a way I never would have without it—when I am weak, He is strong!