It’s no secret that women and men tend to think differently; in fact, sometimes it seems like only a mind-reader could connect the dots between spouses. So how can we learn to communicate with one another amidst those differences?
Dr. Mike Bechtle says knowing the basic personality style of your spouse is vital to guiding communication in your relationship.
“Extroverts tend to process quickly and they tend to process out loud. They talk about what they’re thinking.”
“Introverts tend to process internally. They need to listen, take the information and then they decide what they’re thinking.”
“This is why an introvert and an extrovert, if you have that in a marriage, it seems like one person always wins–the extrovert. Because they come up with things to say, the introvert doesn’t know what to say until ten minutes later.”
Another key difference between spouses that will become clear in a conflict is motivation.
“Most people tend to be driven either by fear or anger. Someone who responds with fear tends to withdraw from a conversation, whereas someone driven more with anger tends to press forward and try and deal with it.”
“So you’ve got your anger-driven extroverts, your fear-driven extroverts, then your anger-driven introverts and your fear-driven introverts. Neither of them is wrong, but if we understand the other person (we know) not to back someone in a corner if they’re an introvert and try and force them to express their feelings.”
Men are also highly driven to make a difference when it comes to resolving conflict.
“We all want to be a hero…it’s just hardwired to really want to do something that makes a difference–and it doesn’t have to be big. It can be making a difference in his world if he can be a hero to his spouse.”
“One example: I painted the baseboard on our house after nine years of living here (I just noticed they weren’t painted after all those years). When my wife came home, I wanted her to notice, but I knew that wasn’t fair. So when she came home, I said, “Could you come in the in the bedroom just for a minute and ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over this?”
“She came in and said ‘you know, it really does make a difference in the whole room. Thanks for doing it, you did a great job.’ We played with it, but I got to be a hero in that way. It gave me everything I needed. I don’t have to bring down planes, but I just want to be recognized and make a difference in the life of the person that means the most.”
Dr. Mike Bechtle (EdD, Arizona State University) is the author of , , and . His articles have appeared in publications such as Writer’s Digest, Pastors.com, and Entrepreneur. A frequent speaker, Bechtle lives in California.
I wish he had come with instructions
