This week I’ve been speaking to church and community leaders in Tortola, British Virgin Islands on what they can do to help victims of domestic violence. Last week I read two stories in the national news of college students who were beaten to death by their boyfriends. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and yet we are painful unaware of this devastating problem. Did you know:
• 40% of girls aged 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
• Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm if the couple were to break-up.
• 1 in 3 teenage girls has feared for her safety in a dating relationship.
It’s important that parents as well as teenagers understand what a healthy relationship looks like and to be able to identify the first signs that the relationship may be unhealthy and potentially abusive.
People put their best foot forward while dating. However, there are three essential ingredients for any relationship to flourish. They are mutuality (both people give into the relationship), reciprocity (power and responsibility are shared) and freedom (you can say no without fear). Often a young girl is totally swept off her feet by an intense young man’s obsessive love for her. It feels so intoxicating that she believes it is true love; but overtime it feels smothering and can become abusive.
It’s important to teach your daughter how to say “no” and to be willing to say “no” early in a dating relationship. For example, when she says “No, I can’t talk on the phone right now, I have a test to study for or home work to do”, pay attention to his response. Is there respect for her needs and commitments? Does he care about what’s important to her? Is she free to express her different opinions as well as her own thoughts and feelings without fear? Or is their relationship all about making him happy and doing what he wants? Honestly answering these simple questions can give her a good read as to the health of the relationship even after only a few dates.
In addition, the following characteristics are red flags that your daughter’s boyfriend may not be capable of a healthy relationship:
1. His description of his parents’─especially his father’s rejecting or shaming behavior.
2. His recollections of physical assault directed at him or at his mother.
3. His personality indicators such as frequent anger and jealousy or an intense fear of abandonment.
4. His trauma symptoms, such as constant sleep disturbances and nightmares, memory losses for specific events, panic attacks, crying, and depression.
5. His alcohol or drug abuse to numb himself to his internal pain.
6. His blaming orientation. Does he hold her responsible for his actions or feelings? Does he insist that everything is always her fault?
7. His cyclical mood swings that seem to have nothing to do with her but incorporate a theme of her being all good or all bad–you’re wonderful or terrible.
If you suspect your daughter or someone you know is being abused, ask the following questions:
1. Does he seem like two people, showing one face to his friends and the public and another to you in private?
2. Does he go through a cycle of buildup, explosion, and contrition?
3. Has he been physically violent with you? Once? Twice?
4. Is his physical attack accompanied by verbal assaults, such as calling you a names or swearing at you?
5. When he’s angry, does he call you degrading names or tell you no one else would ever want you?
6. Have there been circumstances (such as separations or jealousies) that might have triggered his anger? How did he act?
7. Have you ever missed school or work due to the effects of abuse?
8. Have you ever used makeup or dark glasses to hide bruises, or have you covered up by making excuses to a doctor or coworker for injuries sustained during an attack?
If she answered yes to any of these questions, she may need some professional help to break free from the abuse. Here are some websites to go to for additional help and information. Don’t ignore these warning signs. Your daughter is at risk and she needs your help. She can also take a test, Are You in a Destructive Relationship at www.leslievernick.com on my free resource page.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800 799-7233
