10 years ago as I sat  in rehearsal waiting to lead worship I held my journal full of thoughts, ponderings, grumblings and questions before the Lord.

At the time my husband and I were in our 4th year of infertility and I was experiencing a great deal of depression, anxiety, fear, uncertainty and doubt about the future.  It wasn’t that my marriage wasn’t enough, it was, we were and still are very best friends but the hope and disappointment cycle of infertility can suffocate your ability to be present and enjoy what is in front of the eyes of your heart.

I wanted very much to absorb the moment I was in.  I wanted very much to enjoy my marriage. I wanted very much to be here right now.

But the pull of uncertainty kept me from being present.  I was distracted with thoughts of why?

Whats wrong with me? What will happen?

What if it never happens? Why is it always happening for someone else?

Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong?

Has God abandoned me?

If its not your will God, would you please remove the desire?

You come to this crisis of faith of feeling as though the God of the universe is ignoring your plea for deliverance.

Despair. Loss. Hopelessness.

I joined the sentiment of Hannah, Rachel, Elizabeth and Sarah. I felt this desperation of not being able to face a future that potentially left me barren and empty forever. I couldn’t see that far. The fixation on the not yet crowded out what was.

What was not yet was that I did not know whether or not I would birth a biological child. But what was – I was married to a wonderful man, I had great friends and family, I was using my gift of music in worship ministry.

The Lord had pulled me out of many battles before but beyond all of that I had been called a child of the King rescued from myself I had been given an identity apart and not attached to whether or not I would ever be called “mommy” one day. I knew this. I knew it down somewhere buried underneath cloudy uncertainty – I had a lot of present moments to hold onto. But my what if’s kept me from wrapping my arms around the gifts in front of me. Perhaps this is all of us – somewhere, somehow we all are waiting for that something else that will release us from our need for more – the fix, the cure, the icing.

It is in longing for a child, or a spouse, or healing, or rest, or vindication, or success, or  acknowledgement.

It is in longing for anything other than what is currently in front of us.

I did not have a baby but if it wasn’t a baby I was longing for it would be something else.

I lacked presence.

I was always somewhere else in my mind. I was tomorrow. I was yesterday. I was never today.

Because of my lack of being here and now, I lost those moments of yesterday and today that cannot recaptured.

I traded my moments of now for the what if’s of tomorrow.

I exchanged peace for fear.

I leapt into the arms of foreboding and released the embrace of today’s gift.

I wrote words in hope of understanding and some solace that day. I poured pain, hope, dreams and perhaps a fleece through my fingertips. I believed, and still do to this day, that despite our inadequacy, lack and frailty, despite our lack of contentment, despite our loss of sight, God still delights in our honesty before him even when it is heart words of truthful misunderstood discontent.

Simply put, my words of sadness came from an honest place but my discontentment came from a place of misunderstanding the things He could see that I could not. This is not the first time nor will it be the last. No. This is not the first time that I have cried tears for the no or not yet. Over and over the Lord has been near in no or not yet .

And when I am done with my tantrums, I finally hear Him whisper yet again ‘Just. Be. Here.’ 

So reflecting on that day 10 years ago where I shared those spaces with my Savior that I longed to be a momma, I stare into the faces of 4 answered prayers, 4 dreams, 4 gifts, 4 lessons of love. He saw this; I didn’t. I couldn’t see that far. I couldn’t understand but I didn’t have to. It wasn’t really about me needing to understand, it was about me needing to surrender to what was and to truly be present where I was…not where I was not.

We want to be somewhere else. We want to be anywhere else but here. We want to be there but we cannot be there before we are first here.  We must be in the place He has given us first before we can see the place of tomorrow. To live a life that is connected – not fragmented.

Oh to let contentment settle deep within the everyday, the in between, the waiting for fears to be relieved.

Being here. 

Being here when it hurts. Being here when it’s beautiful. Being here when we don’t know. Being here when we don’t understand.

Being here because He is with us through every moment.

Being here today because tomorrow is in His hands.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25