Do you often feel like you must always find out whose fault it is in a conflict? A heart for justice can be good, but Dr. Glenn Pickering says that engaging in fault finding can have a devastating effect on relationships.
“I work with people in relationships all the time and what I see is I can either be right or I can be in right relationship with the people around me.”
Our desire to be right actually masquerades as something else entirely.
“Here’s the deal, you don’t have a need to be right. You have an overwhelming fear of being wrong. If I’m one of those people who always has to have the last word, I promise you my last words are never about being right, it’s always about making it very clear to the other person that they’re wrong or stupid, that their idea will never work, or that they’re selfish or something and it makes it really clear that they are the bad one.”
We can’t play the game of deflecting game because when we do we cannot be in right relationship.
True resolution will never be found as long as we continue to place the blame on someone other than ourselves.
How do we know if someone is just afraid of being wrong?
“If we’re just in a conversation where I don’t want to be wrong, everything I say doesn’t lead us closer to resolution. It’s just me tell you why I think you’re wrong. They just go back and forth talking about whose fault it is and of course it’s always yours not mine. Not only do they not to resolution, it’s not even on the table. It will never get to resolution; nothing ever actually gets finished.”
When we are held captive by the fear of being wrong, small arguments become endless cycles of despair. But it doesn’t have to be that way, we can be wrong. Our identity is not in our ability to be perfect. Our identity is found in our status as children of the King.
Dr. Glenn Pickering is, at heart, a scientist and a teacher—a keen observer whose brilliant work with thousands of couples led him to the amazing discoveries that he wants to share with you.
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