When I first got married at the age of 21, I had no idea domestic violence existed.  Even if I would have known about it, I never would have believed it could happen to me.  I was born into a family with a long Christian heritage, raised in a small Midwestern town, a good student who strived to do well and make my family proud.  I expected to grow up and live the American dream – get married, have a few children, a career, a house and a wonderful life serving the Lord together as a family.  It was a rude awakening two weeks after the wedding when the abuse started and my dreams were dashed.  I now know that if it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone.

So what is domestic abuse?  First of all, “domestic” usually means it happens between intimate partners.  If two adults get into a fight it could be called assault, but if they are in a romantic relationship, it would more likely be called a “domestic” by law enforcement. In some communities, a fight between a teen and parent, or between two siblings is also considered domestic abuse based on the broader definition of family violence.  It depends on how the law is written for each jurisdiction. Generally speaking, domestic abuse can be defined as a pattern of behavior used to instill fear and gain power and control over the other person.  It is most commonly applied to those in a romantic relationship.

The behaviors used in this pattern tend to fall into categories such as verbal, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse.  Notice emotional abuse wasn’t listed there.  Emotional injuries are part of all of these other forms of abuse.  If someone is verbally berating and threatening, it does emotional damage.  If someone you love physically assaults you, or uses sexual, financial or spiritual means to abuse you, those behaviors also leave emotional scars.  All forms of abuse involve emotional abuse.  Many victims say that the emotional wounds take longer and are harder to heal than bruises and broken bones.

Over the years, I found out I’m not alone in my experience as a victim of domestic violence.  We dream about having a loving relationship with our soul mate, but some of us wake up and find we are living a nightmare instead.  That was my first task – waking up to the reality that how I was being treated was not OK and it’s called abuse. I had lots of other ways of referring to it, such as it was just a bad day, a genetic flaw (it runs in his family), mental health problems, stress, my cross to bear, my punishment for marrying the wrong person, but believe it or not (and I’m not alone), I never called it abuse.

It took eight years before our third marriage counselor used that term to categorize my husband’s behavior.  I was in shock.  I countered this statement with more of my rationalizations and excuses for his behavior which included his strained relationship with his mother, his unhealthy childhood experiences, his driven nature to prove himself, his bosses or coworkers who always seemed to pick on him, financial pressures, his struggle to share my attention with our kids, my need to be a better communicator and other inadequacies he regularly pointed out, and the list went on.

Echoing in my own ears was my defense of him, my protecting him, my covering for him so others wouldn’t think badly of him.  The episodes of verbal, emotional, financial, spiritual, and physical tactics he used to hurt me were explained away by his needs, his challenges, his rights, his………….everything.  I believed him when he told me the abuse was actually my fault, and the resulting shame of being a failure as a wife kept me powerless.  As a Christian, I believed it was my duty as his wife to stay committed and supportive, and keep praying that these episodes of irrational anger and abuse would someday go away.  After all, there were the good times, the promises he wouldn’t do it again, and his sincere effort early on in the marriage to get himself under control.  I didn’t know this was all part of the cycle of abuse.  I was doing everything I could to please him and believed that would surely pay off in time.  When that marriage counselor told me in front of my husband that he was abusing me and it had to stop or he would call the police, I sat paralyzed in the chair, incredulous, and terrified.  My own voice was screaming in my head, “Now what’s going to happen?!”

If you are waking up to the reality that you are a victim of domestic abuse, you are not alone and there is help.  Most in the field of domestic violence do not recommend marriage or couples counseling for a number of reasons.  Victims often minimize the extent of the abuse or refuse to talk about it at all in front of the abuser.  If she does share what’s going on, she could pay a high price if he escalates the abuse to punish her for talking and to ensure she doesn’t talk again.  And there’s this natural tendency to want to protect him.

Most abusers, if they even go to counseling, don’t make progress in joint counseling sessions.  They tend to lie and use the strategies of deny, minimize and blame to escape responsibility for their behavior.  They may deny there has ever been any abuse, minimize the frequency and severity of the abuse, or blame the victim for causing the abuse.  These tactics can further harm the victim and lead to hopelessness, causing her to believe nothing will ever change and she’s stuck in a miserable or even dangerous relationship.

Healing and freedom from abuse usually starts with knowledge – first recognizing the forms of abuse.  Most treatment programs for domestic abuse illustrate the various forms on a “Power and Control Wheel” depicting the types of abuse and a list of behaviors in each area.  For example, under the heading of Physical Abuse there may be a list of behaviors including beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, etc.  This was first developed by the Domestic Abuse Project in Duluth, MN.  It has been modified for application to several groups such as for teens, the elderly, and immigrants.

In addition to the wheels, the “Abusive Behavior Checklist” at the end of this article can be used as a means of identifying forms of abuse, and also as a tool to measure the impact or severity that each form of abuse may have had on you personally.  The impact of various forms of abuse is different for different victims.

“The emotional abuse is what really wore me down and destroyed me.  The bruises healed in time, but his lies and intense emotional tirades shattered my heart and made me feel worthless.”

Some behaviors may have only been used once, but that one time had the greatest impact.

“He only hit me once, but after that I just knew the look and posture, and I had better shut up and do whatever he said.” 

“When he said, ‘you know that part about until death do us part?  I could make that happen you know,’ I knew he was threatening to kill me.  I had to stay alive to protect my kids, so I did what he said.”

Waking up to the reality that you are in an abusive relationship is usually very unsettling and scary, but then, living with the abuse and not understanding is too.  In the medical world, we know it’s better to diagnose a problem and give it a name so the right treatment plan can be determined and effective action can be taken.  That’s true with domestic abuse too.  If you call it what it is first, then figuring out what to do to address it will be more clear and effective.

Along with recognizing abuse, healing and freedom begin when you accept the truth that it’s not your fault – the victim is not to blame for the abusive behavior.  Abusers choose who they are going to abuse, when, where, and to what extent.  They can still be charming and professional at work even when frustrated.  They can control their anger in the grocery store, at the gas station or in a restaurant.  Abuse directed toward the victim is calculated and under his control.  It’s a choice and it’s his responsibility to change it.

Before taking any action, it’s important to recognize and assess how dangerous your situation might be.  Tragically, 1,000 to 1,600 women are killed by their abusers each year in the U.S.  Before deciding what to do, take some time to consider your current safety and the safety of any children who may be involved.  If your circumstances are dangerous or life-threatening, you will want to prepare to take action more quickly and in a way that will get you to safety and the help you need.  According to the US Department of Justice, the most dangerous signs include a history of:

  • Use of or threatened use of a gun, knife or other weapon against you
  • Overt or veiled threats to kill or injure you
  • Attempts to choke or strangle you
  • Intense jealousy
  • Forced sex

If any of these have been present, it is best to say nothing about leaving or ending the relationship.  Statistics tell us that the most dangerous time for a woman and her children is when she leaves or attempts to leave the relationship.  Getting to safety is the first priority.  Search for shelters or other resources in your area where you might need to go immediately.  Be careful about using your home computer or your cell phone because your activity can be more easily discovered or tracked.

If you are relatively safe and have more time to process your circumstances, you may want to consider making a safety plan.  Focus Ministries has a great one online at www.focusministries1.org.  There are a number of things to consider if you feel you need to leave the relationship, even temporarily, and a safety plan can be helpful.

The Abusive Behavior Checklist can open your eyes to behaviors that are part of the pattern of domestic abuse.   You can read through the list and simply put a check mark by those behaviors used to hurt you, or you can rate each one on a scale of one to ten:  a one means it was hardly ever used as a significant form of abuse or it had a low impact on you, and a ten would be for the most frequently used or most impactful forms of abuse.  These ratings are meant to be subjective and personal and can be altered in any way that works best for you.

This list is not exhaustive, but it can be exhausting to read and remember all the times you’ve experienced some or all of these forms of abuse.  If you check any of the items, you first need to acknowledge the reality that you are a victim of domestic abuse, and begin to accept that the abuse is not your fault.  If possible, talk to someone who will understand, someone who will listen without judgment or rushing into telling you what to do.  You can start by calling the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and remain anonymous if that seems the safest to you.  Or call a local shelter or counselor who specializes in working with domestic abuse issues.

Right about now you could probably use some hope and encouragement.  God offers both, in generous supply.  Having been a victim myself, and now living as a survivor, I know he has a good plan and he promises to see to completion the good work he has begun in your life.  You can make it through this, by his grace and faithfulness.  He will give you the courage and strength you need to make wise decisions, along with peace and joy to sustain you along the way.  You may be questioning whether you should leave or stay in the relationship.  That decision is completely up to you.  You can make the journey from victim to survivor either way.  There will be more about the journey in the next article.  For now, recognize where you are starting from.

Jody Cowdin is the Executive Director of The Dwelling Place, a Christian transitional shelter for battered women and their children in the Twin Cities area.  Her book, “A Kid’s Guide to Understanding Domestic Abuse” is used as the curriculum for children and teens at the shelter.  For more information, please visit:  www.thedwellingplaceshelter.org

This article is the second in a series on domestic abuse.  Click here to read the first article about signs of abuse everyone should know.

 

Abusive Behavior Checklist

Verbal/Emotional Abuse

____ Frequently blames or criticizes you
____ Calls you names
____ Ridicules your beliefs, religion, race, class, background, upbringing
____ Blames you for “causing” the abuse
____ Ridicules / makes bad remarks about your gender
____ Criticizes or threats to hurt your family or friends
____ Keeps you away from family and friends
____ Abuses animals
____ Tries to keep you from doing things you want to do
____ Gets angry if you pay attention to someone or something else (children, friends, school, etc.)
____ Withholds approval, appreciation or affection as a way to punish you
____ Threatens to have you deported
____ Humiliates you, in private or in front of others
____ Becomes angry if the meal or housework is not done to their liking
____ Makes contradictory demands – changes the rules
____ Does not include you in important decisions
____ Lies about your immigration status
____ Does not allow you to sleep; deliberately interrupts your sleep
____ Harasses you or threatens to tell others about things you have done in the past
____ Takes away keys, money or credit cards
____ Threatens to leave or tells you to leave
____ Frequently checks up on you (listens to your phone calls, reads your texts and emails, checks car’s mileage, etc.)
____ Degrades you, makes you feel insignificant, powerless and / or worthless
____ Threatens to commit suicide
____ Interferes with you going to work/school (provokes a fight in a.m., harasses you at work, etc.)
____ Minimizes or denies being abusive
____ Embarrasses or humiliates you in front of other people
____ Abuses your children
____ Breaks dates and cancels plans without reason
____ Uses drugs or alcohol to excuse their behavior
____ Uses phrases like “I’ll show you who is boss”, “I’ll put you in line”
____ Uses a loud or intimidating tone of voice
____ Criticizes your body, weight, clothes or other aspects of your appearance

Financial Abuse

____ Makes all the decisions about money or your job
____ Controls all financial matters without your input
____ Gets angry when you spend money on basic needs
____ Puts you on an unrealistic budget
____ Denies you access to bank accounts and credit cards
____ Refuses to put your name on joint assets
____ Controls your paycheck
____ Refuses you access to money
____ Refuses to let you work
____ Forces you to sign papers in a language you do not understand
____ Refuses to get a job
____ Refuses to let you learn English as a second language
____ Refuses to pay bills
____ Causes you to lose your job

Sexual Abuse

____ Pressures you to have sex
____ Pressures you to perform sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or hurt you
____ Direct physical injury toward sexual areas of your body
____ Puts you at risk for unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections
____ Withholds sex or affection
____ Uses sexual terms as insults
____ Tells anti-woman jokes or demeans women verbally
____ Accuses you of having sex with others
____ Forces you to have sex with others
____ Threatens to disclose your relationship when you did not want it known
____ Forces you to view pornography
____ Pressures you to dress a certain way
____ Disregards your sexual needs and feelings about sex
____ Spreads rumors about your sexual behaviors
____ Makes you or refuses to let you use birth control
____ Makes unwanted public sexual advances
____ Makes remarks about your sexual abilities
____ Has sexually assaulted or raped you

Using Children

____ Makes you feel guilty about your children
____ Uses children to relay negative messages
____ Uses children to report on your activities
____ Uses visitation to harass you
____ Threatens to take custody of your children
____ Threatens to kidnap your children

Physical Abuse

____ Slapping
____ Pushing, grabbing or shoving
____ Kicking
____ Choking
____ Pinching
____ Pulls your hair
____ Causing burns
____ Biting
____ Has tied you up
____ Forces you to share needles with others
____ Threatens you with a gun or a knife
____ Uses a knife, gun or other weapon against you
____ Prevents you from leaving an area / physically restrains you
____ Makes you lie about bruises, cuts, etc.
____ Throws objects as a means of intimidation
____ Destroys property, possessions or important documents
____ Drives recklessly to frighten you
____ Disregards your needs when you are ill, injured or pregnant
____ Abuses you when you are pregnant
____ Has forced you to have an abortion

Spiritual Abuse

_____ Asserts spiritual superiority and domination in the relationship
_____ Uses scriptures and words like “submission” and “obey” to maintain power and control
_____ Denies you the right to attend church or religious activities
_____ Forces you to attend or participate in activities that violate your spiritual beliefs, morals or values
_____ Forbids reading the Bible